Still Anxious

I can’t figure it out– I still get anxious when work comes up. I really want to just let this go and go back to the carefree feelings I had just a few months ago. Its making me tired and sad.

I guess, again, what it comes down to is that I need a hobby. I need to just sign up for some silly lessons or classes or something–meet some new people, get out of the house after work. I definitely need to work out more, but I am so lazy, and that doesn’t really help in terms of the friendship factor. At this point I feel like I only have one true friend, and the rest of my besties all live in another city. Even Geneva would rather hang out with so many other people besides me– we just get a HH every couple of months to catch up and then dont see each other again for a while. April is such a good friend, but I can’t put everything on her.

I just feel like I have hit a wall with work and I am not inspired to do anything any more. I wonder if it is as apparent to everyone else. I feel like I’m flying solo. I just need to really get an attitude adjustment and work on myself. I want to be happy. I love my husband, I love my dogs, I love my house and my new AC. I just dont love my life. I see all this growth and creativity around me in this city, through my FB friends, and I just feel stuck. It doesn’t help that I am married to the most in the rut person I’ve ever known in my entire life. He doesn’t like to travel and only has one goal in life– start an 80’s cover band. He has all the equipment and instruments and knows tons of musicians. but yet, where is the band?

Piano lessons might be the way to go here, for real.

It would give Steve and I a way to connect. It would give me something I could do at home at night.

It feels so selfish to have this attitued, but lately everything is scaring me. I just feel too old to do anything and I am terrified that I am going to work here until I die. Life is too short! I am ready to quit and live the life of the bohemian artist or writer or musician that I was meant to be. The thought of dying utterly scares me, more and more and more. I need to have some time to write. Maybe I need to drop out of work with the ambition of writing a book. But before I do that I need a plot and an outline and a character or two.

I waste so much time. But the anxiety from work literally wears me out. I have never been a negative person. Always very optimistic, not depressed. But now I feel like there is something really wrong with me. I’m so scared of whatever– cancer, etc, and I just need to stop worrying and embrace life more. The only way to fix the fear is to fill my days with stuff I enjoy, not stupid office politics and the burden of more and more work. I want a part time job that allows me to work independently but still serve people.

The thing is is that I ruminate on the pain. Even when I’m laughing, my mind will just go back to the source of the hurt and stress, and it sits on my brain like a spider, with the legs like tentacles stuck in to the crevices of my head. I want to let it go and totally forget about it. I want to be above the fray and produce good work. I really just want to change my life completely around and do something else that makes me happy and allows us to live like we are now. Where’s our get rich quick scheme? Where’s the thing that is going to solve my life. I am ready to move out to the woods and have a cabin and just play with animals all day and look at the view and make food. I want to live in the mountains.

The anxiety fades and then comes back. I just dont know how to get rid of it other than pop a valium every day. I just want to be done with it. I want a whole new path. I want a new drug! Pot doesn’t work if you have any nervousness or anything–it just magnifies it. I want to leave this crap behind and just fucking enjoy my life and everything. I am totally willing to be a poor hippie again, really.

I am sick of wallowing in this depression and anxiety. I so want to figure out what makes me happy and do it. I have let my whole life disappear and I am in a rut.It takes guts to get out of the ruts. Its so selfish to just hold on to this pain and continue to nurture it. I want to let it go and be free. I want to figure out what I like to do– even just little things. I like to go to movies. I like to travel. I like to go to new restaurants. i like to go to thrift stores and antique stores. I like to write. I like to cook-sort of. I like to throw parties. I like to dance.


Sick. And Tired!

Just exhausted and can’t get a handle on why I feel this way. Depressed, nervous, exhausted. Nothing is physically wrong with me. Just dont want to do anything, ready to leave my job. I should have another offer coming in any day now, and my plan is to turn in my notice on Friday to Gieselle regardless. I really am up against a wall here– I dont want to work at all right now. I just want to find something small and fun and keep life to a minimum of work and a maximum of fun. Steve is stressed as well and we are both at the end of our ropes work wise. I am just so ready for something else to happen at this point, but we are stuck in the same ruts.

It takes guts to get out of the ruts.

I hate the idea of saying goodbye to my doctors and my directors. I have done all this work and now I’m just going to walk away from it. Built all these relationships–this is why its so hard and just thinking about it makes me nervous. I wish I knew that I was leaving for something better, but its hard to be convinced of it when this is a company that I am just not sure about. ESP is so chaotic and no one is willing to change–all they want to do is make it harder and harder to do our jobs, fewer and fewer resources, but more and more work. No processes. No procedures. Just chaos. I have to keep reminding myself–this is going to have structure and metrics and I will be able to make lots of money. Though at this point money is not the thing that is driving me- clearly.

I would love to just stop and go back to school and do something else entirely. I really am interested in massage school and I could have my certification in a year. Sounds like a deal to me! Then I would be able to work in a relaxing, drama free, healing industry. Wear scrubs to work and be calm and calming.

I’ve just hit a wall with my motivation and desire in life. Curious that it coincides with us getting out of debt! 🙂 But the dissatisfaction level is so much higher than it was a year ago. I can’t explain it. Well, I know what its about– Kelli and Gieselle and the higher work load is probably 90% of it.

There’s just no perfect job out there. I love the one I have but it is no longer sustainable. This place needs so much help to get on track I can’t even begin to start. I wonder if I hang on until the marketing person and Hirebridge are in place– will that help? But I’ll be facing the same ridiculous pressure… Steve was told his job would change and it didn’t happen, so no reason to think it will happen to us.

Ant Under the Magnifying Glass

hear that sizzle? Thats my hide, getting fried as my ‘team’, my so called ‘colleagues’ continue to kill me with 1000 cuts. Literally daily, I get some nudge, an elbow in the ribs, a finger shaking over my head. No one seems to be overseeing the other two recruiters–Kelli didn’t even know to give the contracts to the right person. They are so out of it, and I am so on top of it, but I’m getting the needles in my skin.  I continue to keep my head up but just keep telling myself, I can walk at any time. I can put up with it because of the other people I work with, my docs, my directors. But I continue to sit in silence because fighting will mean that I’m a bitch. This must be Lisa’s revenge. How she is loving it, having a friend or two to work with now. When she’s managed to alienate every single other person here. So she’s created a friend out of someone with anger–she’s fed the anger, stoked the gossip, encouraged the hatred. And thats where we are, team!

The thing about working with women is the constant need to be the best, and the jealousy. I do like to be the best, I do like to succeed, I am competitive. And here’s the rub–thats what this business needs. But not what its fostering. I simply dont understand how I can be in a competitive sales based industry but get rapped on the head for being aggressive, for having new ideas. Every time I suggest something it gets shot down. Every time I bring something up I get dismissed. I am a good leader. I am a good worker. I am someone that has proven themselves and worked my way up in this company. I have done a lot of good work for this company but my coworkers seem to despise that about me.

So professional of them.

No one can know what is in someone’s heart or mind. You cannot judge based on just what you see. I hope I do not– I hope that I continue to be open and feel people out. I just ask the same of them! Its ridiculous that I have to put up with this but I guess its my cross to bear. The only thing I try to do is stay under the radar and get my job done. Please god, give me strength to get through this. Give me patience to get to the next phase of my life. Give me an open door to walk through and change all this. Grant me the serenity to recognize the things I cannot change. Give me the strength to change the things I can!

This calls for either meek submission to the status quo, yes ma’am yes ma’am yes ma’am, or a major change–here or elsewhere.

I am so ready to start my own business. I think the corporate concierge idea is so likely. Something

Anything! I am ready!!! Just open that door, give me a chance. We can do it.


Update: I have an interview on Monday for nursing recruiting manager. Something is going to change soon.

The Song In My Head Right Now

I wonder if that has any thing to do with what actual mental state you’re in. Right now its a RuPaul song, but thats because I saw this hilarious video:

anyway, I have applied for a job at St Eds. Several things occur to me: it will be entirely staffed by prolife women exactly like my mother. In fact, by even working at a Catholic institution of any kind is my mother. So maybe thats not the way to go. But if the campus is anything like Loyola, its small and everyone knows everyone, and its lib arts and pretty fresh. I mean they do have a sort of hip image. Might be nice. Of course I’d be giving up the two very best things about my job: the commute and the 401k. But the 401k seems to be shaky lately, the atmosphere is tense, and everyone is on the hook. “There are no good swimmers.” Thank you Tiger Mom.

But commuting to S Austin is not necessarily a bad thing. I can start hanging out with my friends more, which is really going to help I think. I can drop by Debs or Aprils or Genevas or Terra’s or restaurants, etc. And if it turned long term, we could look for real estate in April’s neighborhood.

I also sort of had the revelation yesterday that Steve and I could have a baby. I thought “Steve and I are having a baby together.” and it didn’t feel wrong. I dont know– its a lot! but you know, every 3-5 years or so there’s a big change; I’ve gone as far as I can go in my field, no one is listening to me, I need to be put in charge of something. But no one seems to trust me. I guess I’m just too cool– no one believes someone as young and vibrant as myself can possibly do something like that. Or they think I’m bossy and try to run everything. Or I’m just considered fat, ugly, unlikeable and unimpressive. I just dont know. Well everyone is super busy and no one has time for any new ideas or projects or protocols–we’re just barely hanging on and doing our jobs. If we could get to a fair and equitable arrangement somehow, add like HR, marketing, another clinical coord, an assistant for the recruiters, another credentialer, another scheduler, then we’re in good shape. Even just like 2 or 3 of those jobs would suffice. I dont want to job hop and I dont want to give up a good thing like this, but it has kept me in a bubble. I think being in South Austin would be good. Expanding my horizons and all that.

Speaking of, I bought a bunch of tickets. Now I’ll have to remember what they are! They’re all in 2012. Like, some chinese drummers, and Young Frankenstein, and the Trockadero! I think. Anyway, I’m just trying to grab on to little things to make me happy, tell everyone that I can help with whatever, keep sending out mailers and emails, get these dinners set up! Thats the next thing. I need to start a contact list for the residencies and get baton rouge, Brack FP and hopefully Scott and White set up here soon. OK City, Chicago, Ohio, Michigan. These are the engines that drive our fucking business, and I feel like they’re flagging. We need more energy and facetime. So I need to bring up events for the coming fall. I guess I need to find the time to put a budget sample together. Do that quickly so at least they have a blueprint for the fall.

I just went off on a work tangent there and I was trying to talk about my attempts at going zen. I feel like we need to remember how to live iwth less because we can and we shouldnt have to work this hard. Its unfortunate that we are getting burned out right about now, when we could really kick it into high gear. I wish we were like 10 years younger, and we would have this money and be debt free with two houses, work like this at this salary for 10 years, get to where we are except with all the pool and house extension and added on rooms and the vacations and then we’d be our ages now and be able to just have kids. We want too many things at once and we’re kinda too old to start wth the kids and everything now.

No, the house can wait, I dont mind that. but if we had a baby it would. i dunno. So many decisions and its like they have to be made now. the ladies do all look quite happy with their babies. I’m sure its not all sunshine and roses and Steve will be a crazy dad but I think he’d love to have a family and a blood relation all his own. I think he’ll be that kids best friend and tease them mercilessly. I hope it its a girl he’s ok iwth it. He’ll go nuts but he’ll be a good dad. God– here I am talking like its going to happen. I could just say I’m going back to the pill and then not take it. But REALLY how bad do i want to be a mother. I just dont know. I am so full of doubt– my whole life. But I think if Steve and I really love each other then we should have something of ours. create someting together. Thats what he said today– baby or food trailer. haha! so funny. they both would take about the same amount of work and one of us would have to quit their jobs.

Well the move has been made, this is the new day that the lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad.

i’ll never be Catholic again. but it might be nice to have it around– I’m sure there is some old church on that campus that I haven’t been to yet and it will be nice to go there and sit some times. If there is any indication that I can have my tattoos there I am taking the job! I do think that a campus atmosphere would be fun to work in. There’s always something going on and I can take classes in whatever–theatre arts! Why the fuck not? Creative writing, studio art. I could get my masters. Would be interesting to go back to school and get my masters in fine arts and go into sculpture or something.

They dont even have my application yet. They’ll probably have many applicants. But dammit, they’ll look close at mine I’m sure, its pretty flawless, I have family that went there, I have recruiting experience and I jsut need to get in for an interview.

how many other people can complete an app, write a cover letter and resume and get it in the MAIL within 4 days. Seriously, unless there are people stalking this position like me, I can’t imagine that very many people could have gotten it in to them and have it be that qualified. It was flawless.

I just have a few prayers right now. Rena Salyer gets her damn TX license, we get a director at Killeen, they hire another clinical coordinator so Jan gets some help, and thats about it. If those things could get done I’ll give up the free trip to San Fran, I’ll give up the website that I helped build, I’ll give up the doctors, I’ll give up Bob and the residents and the dinners and the interviews and the trips and the puddle jumpers and the adversarial members of my ‘team.’ I’ll give up the docs. I’m sure I’ll stay friends with Mitra and Ann and Bob and maybe Mike, he really just lives right down the street from me!

If I work south I could hang with Mitra more. I have to work on developing these friendships more. This is what is at the core of whats bugging me, I used to have this AMAZING group of mother fucking friends that I couldnt function iwthout. Which is part of why I am functioning without them now. We were too incestual, too tight, to crazy in love iwth each other. easy to get jealous. and we’re travelers at heart–destined to drift apart. Fitting into our wierd little spots. And its these friends that I wasn’t able to really hang onto– Stephanie is an odd one. By all rights she and I should be so closeo! We love clothes, we have the same friends, we should be friends. But she’s even more reserved than I am- or only around me, or we’re too much alike, or I need someone who meets me halfway? Anyway thats a regret I have, but I dont know how to start again. I am starting over. I just have these like 4 friends that I could call at any time, but never do. We all sort of drift between youth and growing up–even us married ones. We are still so young!

I bet I’m the most corporate of all of them. higher education suits me so much better than healthcare I think….and boy would I be doing something I believe in. The free education is so worth it. I could write a book. I wonder if I could take a bus…….read and write on the bus…hey they dont even have my app yet, and I’m sure there are a million resumes coming across their desk.

I need to give my doggies a little more love. This is helping me get better I think, its like a thing in the back of my mind that I can turn to. A little bit at a time.

Unpopular Girl

Thats pretty much what I feel like at work. There are 3 other women who I work with directly in my department. Everyone else at my job likes me, we get along just fine. But within my dept, I am hated for some reason. i’d love to say they’re just jealous because I am so productive, and it is true,  I am the most productive recruiter at my job. For some reason I came in and had a lot of luck and have been able to get the sites filled, which is my primary directive. But I have been attacked for my methods, and even though its supposedly all nicey nice on the surface, today two recruiters were huddled in an office together for at least 45 minutes, talking about who knows what, certainly not doing any work. And I’m sitting in my office feeling purposefully excluded from their little plans. Whatever, I just think it sucks that this company’s future is in the hands of A. a useless burned out middle aged dumbfuck who has been at this job for 13 years and doesn’t know how to write down an email address correctly, and B, a whiny skinny complainer who took an aggressive position with me almost from day 1, and does not understand what this job is about. Recruiter C is great at her job, nice, sweet, etc but is very good friends with B from past jobs, and just had a baby so she’s been out of the office. Every day I feel like the unpopular girl again. I go to work feeling sick and scared and come home feeling bored and lonely. All kinds of things are discussed between them during their marathon pow wows- in some cases, actual work and events that I need to be looped in on and am not. Also they seem to have started ignoring my emails.

For all their talk of teamwork, we dont really need to work as a team. I mean we do and we dont. We have to take our docs to our sites and see them through the process. I dont need another recruiter to help me with that. But there is cross pollination when we have a doc who wants to interview at more than one site. Happens all the time. And regardless of who brought the doc in, I am always blamed for stepping on someone elses toes. B just straight out doesn’t like me for some reason, and the feeling is mutual. A is a functioning retard who is willing to waste loads of time every day. I just get bitter when I am actually producing, showing real results, and A has half the workload I do, every word that comes out of B’s mouth is a complaint, and C is at home iwth her baby.

Another reason to have a baby- time off! Think they’d miss me????  We have 23 sites. I handle 9 of them and the other 14 are split between 3 people.  We’re going to talk about it tomorrow; some may be taken off of me. Or I might get more. Or just changed around. We’ve hired 34 docs starting in the next coupld months. I recruited 22 of them

I can only stand by my numbers. If I am producing but they all hate me, could I get fired for that? I dont think so, and my boss has told me no, but its a horrible working environment. Every other place I have ever worked I was valued and loved. In fact, everyone I work with (with the exception of my team) loves me. Its so painful and ridiculous, but shit, maybe I just need to close my door all day every day, crank up the tunes and do my own thing. If they need me they know where to find me.

So the job itself I love. I adore my docs, I love the process and meeting them, I like the travel aspect, the networking, the people I meet. and I am good at it.  So I guess I’ll just wait for everyone else to quit

I am always looking for another job. Or another life. This is a major cause of this dissatisfaction right now– I dont have any creative outlet, and my days at my job which I love are shitty. If work was going well and I felt comfortable in my surroundings etc I think that I would be happier in general. but there’s just some ugliness associated with it, some terrible feelings now. I hate it. How can we move forward — scratch that. How can I move forward, knowing that at least one person that I work directly with despises me? I have to find a way to not care, to keep going, to just do my job and cut them out of it. And I do. Its just when B has been in A’s office for 45 minutes, talking in whispers, that I get really annoyed. Not just because they may be talking about me, though I have considered placing bugs to find out! Because they’re complaining, they’re whining, they’re certainly not working. I just am not sure yet if B is actually incompetent or if she’s purposely staying out of meeting that she should be at. A says all the time, be like me, play dumb. That is NOT my MO. that is not how I work. And a person who says that should not be in any kind of senior or supervisory position. A supervisor should be able to do everything I do but better. A supervisor should have done my job already and can offer advice, be impartial, see the big picture. She just finds ways to get out of work , to pass it off onto others, to discourage travel and events. Unless she’s decided its important. She is useless. And I am perfectly happy, actually, to pick up the slack, to do my job, to go on the events and trips, but she wants to discourage me somehow. I dont get it.

Help! Stay or go in the job? Ignore it and it will get better, is what my husband says. Let em hate, my numbers speak for themselves. There’s no other company that will allow me to do what I am doing now in Austin. The pay is good, the benefits are great. I am just going to keep on in my sunny way and ignore the haters and do good in the world. Recruit the best possible docs to my sites and do it with a smile. Work late, travel, network with out a complaint.

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