Monthly Archives: June 2011

The Song In My Head Right Now

I wonder if that has any thing to do with what actual mental state you’re in. Right now its a RuPaul song, but thats because I saw this hilarious video:

anyway, I have applied for a job at St Eds. Several things occur to me: it will be entirely staffed by prolife women exactly like my mother. In fact, by even working at a Catholic institution of any kind is my mother. So maybe thats not the way to go. But if the campus is anything like Loyola, its small and everyone knows everyone, and its lib arts and pretty fresh. I mean they do have a sort of hip image. Might be nice. Of course I’d be giving up the two very best things about my job: the commute and the 401k. But the 401k seems to be shaky lately, the atmosphere is tense, and everyone is on the hook. “There are no good swimmers.” Thank you Tiger Mom.

But commuting to S Austin is not necessarily a bad thing. I can start hanging out with my friends more, which is really going to help I think. I can drop by Debs or Aprils or Genevas or Terra’s or restaurants, etc. And if it turned long term, we could look for real estate in April’s neighborhood.

I also sort of had the revelation yesterday that Steve and I could have a baby. I thought “Steve and I are having a baby together.” and it didn’t feel wrong. I dont know– its a lot! but you know, every 3-5 years or so there’s a big change; I’ve gone as far as I can go in my field, no one is listening to me, I need to be put in charge of something. But no one seems to trust me. I guess I’m just too cool– no one believes someone as young and vibrant as myself can possibly do something like that. Or they think I’m bossy and try to run everything. Or I’m just considered fat, ugly, unlikeable and unimpressive. I just dont know. Well everyone is super busy and no one has time for any new ideas or projects or protocols–we’re just barely hanging on and doing our jobs. If we could get to a fair and equitable arrangement somehow, add like HR, marketing, another clinical coord, an assistant for the recruiters, another credentialer, another scheduler, then we’re in good shape. Even just like 2 or 3 of those jobs would suffice. I dont want to job hop and I dont want to give up a good thing like this, but it has kept me in a bubble. I think being in South Austin would be good. Expanding my horizons and all that.

Speaking of, I bought a bunch of tickets. Now I’ll have to remember what they are! They’re all in 2012. Like, some chinese drummers, and Young Frankenstein, and the Trockadero! I think. Anyway, I’m just trying to grab on to little things to make me happy, tell everyone that I can help with whatever, keep sending out mailers and emails, get these dinners set up! Thats the next thing. I need to start a contact list for the residencies and get baton rouge, Brack FP and hopefully Scott and White set up here soon. OK City, Chicago, Ohio, Michigan. These are the engines that drive our fucking business, and I feel like they’re flagging. We need more energy and facetime. So I need to bring up events for the coming fall. I guess I need to find the time to put a budget sample together. Do that quickly so at least they have a blueprint for the fall.

I just went off on a work tangent there and I was trying to talk about my attempts at going zen. I feel like we need to remember how to live iwth less because we can and we shouldnt have to work this hard. Its unfortunate that we are getting burned out right about now, when we could really kick it into high gear. I wish we were like 10 years younger, and we would have this money and be debt free with two houses, work like this at this salary for 10 years, get to where we are except with all the pool and house extension and added on rooms and the vacations and then we’d be our ages now and be able to just have kids. We want too many things at once and we’re kinda too old to start wth the kids and everything now.

No, the house can wait, I dont mind that. but if we had a baby it would. i dunno. So many decisions and its like they have to be made now. the ladies do all look quite happy with their babies. I’m sure its not all sunshine and roses and Steve will be a crazy dad but I think he’d love to have a family and a blood relation all his own. I think he’ll be that kids best friend and tease them mercilessly. I hope it its a girl he’s ok iwth it. He’ll go nuts but he’ll be a good dad. God– here I am talking like its going to happen. I could just say I’m going back to the pill and then not take it. But REALLY how bad do i want to be a mother. I just dont know. I am so full of doubt– my whole life. But I think if Steve and I really love each other then we should have something of ours. create someting together. Thats what he said today– baby or food trailer. haha! so funny. they both would take about the same amount of work and one of us would have to quit their jobs.

Well the move has been made, this is the new day that the lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad.

i’ll never be Catholic again. but it might be nice to have it around– I’m sure there is some old church on that campus that I haven’t been to yet and it will be nice to go there and sit some times. If there is any indication that I can have my tattoos there I am taking the job! I do think that a campus atmosphere would be fun to work in. There’s always something going on and I can take classes in whatever–theatre arts! Why the fuck not? Creative writing, studio art. I could get my masters. Would be interesting to go back to school and get my masters in fine arts and go into sculpture or something.

They dont even have my application yet. They’ll probably have many applicants. But dammit, they’ll look close at mine I’m sure, its pretty flawless, I have family that went there, I have recruiting experience and I jsut need to get in for an interview.

how many other people can complete an app, write a cover letter and resume and get it in the MAIL within 4 days. Seriously, unless there are people stalking this position like me, I can’t imagine that very many people could have gotten it in to them and have it be that qualified. It was flawless.

I just have a few prayers right now. Rena Salyer gets her damn TX license, we get a director at Killeen, they hire another clinical coordinator so Jan gets some help, and thats about it. If those things could get done I’ll give up the free trip to San Fran, I’ll give up the website that I helped build, I’ll give up the doctors, I’ll give up Bob and the residents and the dinners and the interviews and the trips and the puddle jumpers and the adversarial members of my ‘team.’ I’ll give up the docs. I’m sure I’ll stay friends with Mitra and Ann and Bob and maybe Mike, he really just lives right down the street from me!

If I work south I could hang with Mitra more. I have to work on developing these friendships more. This is what is at the core of whats bugging me, I used to have this AMAZING group of mother fucking friends that I couldnt function iwthout. Which is part of why I am functioning without them now. We were too incestual, too tight, to crazy in love iwth each other. easy to get jealous. and we’re travelers at heart–destined to drift apart. Fitting into our wierd little spots. And its these friends that I wasn’t able to really hang onto– Stephanie is an odd one. By all rights she and I should be so closeo! We love clothes, we have the same friends, we should be friends. But she’s even more reserved than I am- or only around me, or we’re too much alike, or I need someone who meets me halfway? Anyway thats a regret I have, but I dont know how to start again. I am starting over. I just have these like 4 friends that I could call at any time, but never do. We all sort of drift between youth and growing up–even us married ones. We are still so young!

I bet I’m the most corporate of all of them. higher education suits me so much better than healthcare I think….and boy would I be doing something I believe in. The free education is so worth it. I could write a book. I wonder if I could take a bus…….read and write on the bus…hey they dont even have my app yet, and I’m sure there are a million resumes coming across their desk.

I need to give my doggies a little more love. This is helping me get better I think, its like a thing in the back of my mind that I can turn to. A little bit at a time.


Unpopular Girl

Thats pretty much what I feel like at work. There are 3 other women who I work with directly in my department. Everyone else at my job likes me, we get along just fine. But within my dept, I am hated for some reason. i’d love to say they’re just jealous because I am so productive, and it is true,  I am the most productive recruiter at my job. For some reason I came in and had a lot of luck and have been able to get the sites filled, which is my primary directive. But I have been attacked for my methods, and even though its supposedly all nicey nice on the surface, today two recruiters were huddled in an office together for at least 45 minutes, talking about who knows what, certainly not doing any work. And I’m sitting in my office feeling purposefully excluded from their little plans. Whatever, I just think it sucks that this company’s future is in the hands of A. a useless burned out middle aged dumbfuck who has been at this job for 13 years and doesn’t know how to write down an email address correctly, and B, a whiny skinny complainer who took an aggressive position with me almost from day 1, and does not understand what this job is about. Recruiter C is great at her job, nice, sweet, etc but is very good friends with B from past jobs, and just had a baby so she’s been out of the office. Every day I feel like the unpopular girl again. I go to work feeling sick and scared and come home feeling bored and lonely. All kinds of things are discussed between them during their marathon pow wows- in some cases, actual work and events that I need to be looped in on and am not. Also they seem to have started ignoring my emails.

For all their talk of teamwork, we dont really need to work as a team. I mean we do and we dont. We have to take our docs to our sites and see them through the process. I dont need another recruiter to help me with that. But there is cross pollination when we have a doc who wants to interview at more than one site. Happens all the time. And regardless of who brought the doc in, I am always blamed for stepping on someone elses toes. B just straight out doesn’t like me for some reason, and the feeling is mutual. A is a functioning retard who is willing to waste loads of time every day. I just get bitter when I am actually producing, showing real results, and A has half the workload I do, every word that comes out of B’s mouth is a complaint, and C is at home iwth her baby.

Another reason to have a baby- time off! Think they’d miss me????  We have 23 sites. I handle 9 of them and the other 14 are split between 3 people.  We’re going to talk about it tomorrow; some may be taken off of me. Or I might get more. Or just changed around. We’ve hired 34 docs starting in the next coupld months. I recruited 22 of them

I can only stand by my numbers. If I am producing but they all hate me, could I get fired for that? I dont think so, and my boss has told me no, but its a horrible working environment. Every other place I have ever worked I was valued and loved. In fact, everyone I work with (with the exception of my team) loves me. Its so painful and ridiculous, but shit, maybe I just need to close my door all day every day, crank up the tunes and do my own thing. If they need me they know where to find me.

So the job itself I love. I adore my docs, I love the process and meeting them, I like the travel aspect, the networking, the people I meet. and I am good at it.  So I guess I’ll just wait for everyone else to quit

I am always looking for another job. Or another life. This is a major cause of this dissatisfaction right now– I dont have any creative outlet, and my days at my job which I love are shitty. If work was going well and I felt comfortable in my surroundings etc I think that I would be happier in general. but there’s just some ugliness associated with it, some terrible feelings now. I hate it. How can we move forward — scratch that. How can I move forward, knowing that at least one person that I work directly with despises me? I have to find a way to not care, to keep going, to just do my job and cut them out of it. And I do. Its just when B has been in A’s office for 45 minutes, talking in whispers, that I get really annoyed. Not just because they may be talking about me, though I have considered placing bugs to find out! Because they’re complaining, they’re whining, they’re certainly not working. I just am not sure yet if B is actually incompetent or if she’s purposely staying out of meeting that she should be at. A says all the time, be like me, play dumb. That is NOT my MO. that is not how I work. And a person who says that should not be in any kind of senior or supervisory position. A supervisor should be able to do everything I do but better. A supervisor should have done my job already and can offer advice, be impartial, see the big picture. She just finds ways to get out of work , to pass it off onto others, to discourage travel and events. Unless she’s decided its important. She is useless. And I am perfectly happy, actually, to pick up the slack, to do my job, to go on the events and trips, but she wants to discourage me somehow. I dont get it.

Help! Stay or go in the job? Ignore it and it will get better, is what my husband says. Let em hate, my numbers speak for themselves. There’s no other company that will allow me to do what I am doing now in Austin. The pay is good, the benefits are great. I am just going to keep on in my sunny way and ignore the haters and do good in the world. Recruit the best possible docs to my sites and do it with a smile. Work late, travel, network with out a complaint.

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