The Song In My Head Right Now

I wonder if that has any thing to do with what actual mental state you’re in. Right now its a RuPaul song, but thats because I saw this hilarious video:

anyway, I have applied for a job at St Eds. Several things occur to me: it will be entirely staffed by prolife women exactly like my mother. In fact, by even working at a Catholic institution of any kind is my mother. So maybe thats not the way to go. But if the campus is anything like Loyola, its small and everyone knows everyone, and its lib arts and pretty fresh. I mean they do have a sort of hip image. Might be nice. Of course I’d be giving up the two very best things about my job: the commute and the 401k. But the 401k seems to be shaky lately, the atmosphere is tense, and everyone is on the hook. “There are no good swimmers.” Thank you Tiger Mom.

But commuting to S Austin is not necessarily a bad thing. I can start hanging out with my friends more, which is really going to help I think. I can drop by Debs or Aprils or Genevas or Terra’s or restaurants, etc. And if it turned long term, we could look for real estate in April’s neighborhood.

I also sort of had the revelation yesterday that Steve and I could have a baby. I thought “Steve and I are having a baby together.” and it didn’t feel wrong. I dont know– its a lot! but you know, every 3-5 years or so there’s a big change; I’ve gone as far as I can go in my field, no one is listening to me, I need to be put in charge of something. But no one seems to trust me. I guess I’m just too cool– no one believes someone as young and vibrant as myself can possibly do something like that. Or they think I’m bossy and try to run everything. Or I’m just considered fat, ugly, unlikeable and unimpressive. I just dont know. Well everyone is super busy and no one has time for any new ideas or projects or protocols–we’re just barely hanging on and doing our jobs. If we could get to a fair and equitable arrangement somehow, add like HR, marketing, another clinical coord, an assistant for the recruiters, another credentialer, another scheduler, then we’re in good shape. Even just like 2 or 3 of those jobs would suffice. I dont want to job hop and I dont want to give up a good thing like this, but it has kept me in a bubble. I think being in South Austin would be good. Expanding my horizons and all that.

Speaking of, I bought a bunch of tickets. Now I’ll have to remember what they are! They’re all in 2012. Like, some chinese drummers, and Young Frankenstein, and the Trockadero! I think. Anyway, I’m just trying to grab on to little things to make me happy, tell everyone that I can help with whatever, keep sending out mailers and emails, get these dinners set up! Thats the next thing. I need to start a contact list for the residencies and get baton rouge, Brack FP and hopefully Scott and White set up here soon. OK City, Chicago, Ohio, Michigan. These are the engines that drive our fucking business, and I feel like they’re flagging. We need more energy and facetime. So I need to bring up events for the coming fall. I guess I need to find the time to put a budget sample together. Do that quickly so at least they have a blueprint for the fall.

I just went off on a work tangent there and I was trying to talk about my attempts at going zen. I feel like we need to remember how to live iwth less because we can and we shouldnt have to work this hard. Its unfortunate that we are getting burned out right about now, when we could really kick it into high gear. I wish we were like 10 years younger, and we would have this money and be debt free with two houses, work like this at this salary for 10 years, get to where we are except with all the pool and house extension and added on rooms and the vacations and then we’d be our ages now and be able to just have kids. We want too many things at once and we’re kinda too old to start wth the kids and everything now.

No, the house can wait, I dont mind that. but if we had a baby it would. i dunno. So many decisions and its like they have to be made now. the ladies do all look quite happy with their babies. I’m sure its not all sunshine and roses and Steve will be a crazy dad but I think he’d love to have a family and a blood relation all his own. I think he’ll be that kids best friend and tease them mercilessly. I hope it its a girl he’s ok iwth it. He’ll go nuts but he’ll be a good dad. God– here I am talking like its going to happen. I could just say I’m going back to the pill and then not take it. But REALLY how bad do i want to be a mother. I just dont know. I am so full of doubt– my whole life. But I think if Steve and I really love each other then we should have something of ours. create someting together. Thats what he said today– baby or food trailer. haha! so funny. they both would take about the same amount of work and one of us would have to quit their jobs.

Well the move has been made, this is the new day that the lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad.

i’ll never be Catholic again. but it might be nice to have it around– I’m sure there is some old church on that campus that I haven’t been to yet and it will be nice to go there and sit some times. If there is any indication that I can have my tattoos there I am taking the job! I do think that a campus atmosphere would be fun to work in. There’s always something going on and I can take classes in whatever–theatre arts! Why the fuck not? Creative writing, studio art. I could get my masters. Would be interesting to go back to school and get my masters in fine arts and go into sculpture or something.

They dont even have my application yet. They’ll probably have many applicants. But dammit, they’ll look close at mine I’m sure, its pretty flawless, I have family that went there, I have recruiting experience and I jsut need to get in for an interview.

how many other people can complete an app, write a cover letter and resume and get it in the MAIL within 4 days. Seriously, unless there are people stalking this position like me, I can’t imagine that very many people could have gotten it in to them and have it be that qualified. It was flawless.

I just have a few prayers right now. Rena Salyer gets her damn TX license, we get a director at Killeen, they hire another clinical coordinator so Jan gets some help, and thats about it. If those things could get done I’ll give up the free trip to San Fran, I’ll give up the website that I helped build, I’ll give up the doctors, I’ll give up Bob and the residents and the dinners and the interviews and the trips and the puddle jumpers and the adversarial members of my ‘team.’ I’ll give up the docs. I’m sure I’ll stay friends with Mitra and Ann and Bob and maybe Mike, he really just lives right down the street from me!

If I work south I could hang with Mitra more. I have to work on developing these friendships more. This is what is at the core of whats bugging me, I used to have this AMAZING group of mother fucking friends that I couldnt function iwthout. Which is part of why I am functioning without them now. We were too incestual, too tight, to crazy in love iwth each other. easy to get jealous. and we’re travelers at heart–destined to drift apart. Fitting into our wierd little spots. And its these friends that I wasn’t able to really hang onto– Stephanie is an odd one. By all rights she and I should be so closeo! We love clothes, we have the same friends, we should be friends. But she’s even more reserved than I am- or only around me, or we’re too much alike, or I need someone who meets me halfway? Anyway thats a regret I have, but I dont know how to start again. I am starting over. I just have these like 4 friends that I could call at any time, but never do. We all sort of drift between youth and growing up–even us married ones. We are still so young!

I bet I’m the most corporate of all of them. higher education suits me so much better than healthcare I think….and boy would I be doing something I believe in. The free education is so worth it. I could write a book. I wonder if I could take a bus…….read and write on the bus…hey they dont even have my app yet, and I’m sure there are a million resumes coming across their desk.

I need to give my doggies a little more love. This is helping me get better I think, its like a thing in the back of my mind that I can turn to. A little bit at a time.


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