Monthly Archives: July 2011

Sick. And Tired!

Just exhausted and can’t get a handle on why I feel this way. Depressed, nervous, exhausted. Nothing is physically wrong with me. Just dont want to do anything, ready to leave my job. I should have another offer coming in any day now, and my plan is to turn in my notice on Friday to Gieselle regardless. I really am up against a wall here– I dont want to work at all right now. I just want to find something small and fun and keep life to a minimum of work and a maximum of fun. Steve is stressed as well and we are both at the end of our ropes work wise. I am just so ready for something else to happen at this point, but we are stuck in the same ruts.

It takes guts to get out of the ruts.

I hate the idea of saying goodbye to my doctors and my directors. I have done all this work and now I’m just going to walk away from it. Built all these relationships–this is why its so hard and just thinking about it makes me nervous. I wish I knew that I was leaving for something better, but its hard to be convinced of it when this is a company that I am just not sure about. ESP is so chaotic and no one is willing to change–all they want to do is make it harder and harder to do our jobs, fewer and fewer resources, but more and more work. No processes. No procedures. Just chaos. I have to keep reminding myself–this is going to have structure and metrics and I will be able to make lots of money. Though at this point money is not the thing that is driving me- clearly.

I would love to just stop and go back to school and do something else entirely. I really am interested in massage school and I could have my certification in a year. Sounds like a deal to me! Then I would be able to work in a relaxing, drama free, healing industry. Wear scrubs to work and be calm and calming.

I’ve just hit a wall with my motivation and desire in life. Curious that it coincides with us getting out of debt! 🙂 But the dissatisfaction level is so much higher than it was a year ago. I can’t explain it. Well, I know what its about– Kelli and Gieselle and the higher work load is probably 90% of it.

There’s just no perfect job out there. I love the one I have but it is no longer sustainable. This place needs so much help to get on track I can’t even begin to start. I wonder if I hang on until the marketing person and Hirebridge are in place– will that help? But I’ll be facing the same ridiculous pressure… Steve was told his job would change and it didn’t happen, so no reason to think it will happen to us.


Ant Under the Magnifying Glass

hear that sizzle? Thats my hide, getting fried as my ‘team’, my so called ‘colleagues’ continue to kill me with 1000 cuts. Literally daily, I get some nudge, an elbow in the ribs, a finger shaking over my head. No one seems to be overseeing the other two recruiters–Kelli didn’t even know to give the contracts to the right person. They are so out of it, and I am so on top of it, but I’m getting the needles in my skin.  I continue to keep my head up but just keep telling myself, I can walk at any time. I can put up with it because of the other people I work with, my docs, my directors. But I continue to sit in silence because fighting will mean that I’m a bitch. This must be Lisa’s revenge. How she is loving it, having a friend or two to work with now. When she’s managed to alienate every single other person here. So she’s created a friend out of someone with anger–she’s fed the anger, stoked the gossip, encouraged the hatred. And thats where we are, team!

The thing about working with women is the constant need to be the best, and the jealousy. I do like to be the best, I do like to succeed, I am competitive. And here’s the rub–thats what this business needs. But not what its fostering. I simply dont understand how I can be in a competitive sales based industry but get rapped on the head for being aggressive, for having new ideas. Every time I suggest something it gets shot down. Every time I bring something up I get dismissed. I am a good leader. I am a good worker. I am someone that has proven themselves and worked my way up in this company. I have done a lot of good work for this company but my coworkers seem to despise that about me.

So professional of them.

No one can know what is in someone’s heart or mind. You cannot judge based on just what you see. I hope I do not– I hope that I continue to be open and feel people out. I just ask the same of them! Its ridiculous that I have to put up with this but I guess its my cross to bear. The only thing I try to do is stay under the radar and get my job done. Please god, give me strength to get through this. Give me patience to get to the next phase of my life. Give me an open door to walk through and change all this. Grant me the serenity to recognize the things I cannot change. Give me the strength to change the things I can!

This calls for either meek submission to the status quo, yes ma’am yes ma’am yes ma’am, or a major change–here or elsewhere.

I am so ready to start my own business. I think the corporate concierge idea is so likely. Something

Anything! I am ready!!! Just open that door, give me a chance. We can do it.


Update: I have an interview on Monday for nursing recruiting manager. Something is going to change soon.