Sick. And Tired!

Just exhausted and can’t get a handle on why I feel this way. Depressed, nervous, exhausted. Nothing is physically wrong with me. Just dont want to do anything, ready to leave my job. I should have another offer coming in any day now, and my plan is to turn in my notice on Friday to Gieselle regardless. I really am up against a wall here– I dont want to work at all right now. I just want to find something small and fun and keep life to a minimum of work and a maximum of fun. Steve is stressed as well and we are both at the end of our ropes work wise. I am just so ready for something else to happen at this point, but we are stuck in the same ruts.

It takes guts to get out of the ruts.

I hate the idea of saying goodbye to my doctors and my directors. I have done all this work and now I’m just going to walk away from it. Built all these relationships–this is why its so hard and just thinking about it makes me nervous. I wish I knew that I was leaving for something better, but its hard to be convinced of it when this is a company that I am just not sure about. ESP is so chaotic and no one is willing to change–all they want to do is make it harder and harder to do our jobs, fewer and fewer resources, but more and more work. No processes. No procedures. Just chaos. I have to keep reminding myself–this is going to have structure and metrics and I will be able to make lots of money. Though at this point money is not the thing that is driving me- clearly.

I would love to just stop and go back to school and do something else entirely. I really am interested in massage school and I could have my certification in a year. Sounds like a deal to me! Then I would be able to work in a relaxing, drama free, healing industry. Wear scrubs to work and be calm and calming.

I’ve just hit a wall with my motivation and desire in life. Curious that it coincides with us getting out of debt! 🙂 But the dissatisfaction level is so much higher than it was a year ago. I can’t explain it. Well, I know what its about– Kelli and Gieselle and the higher work load is probably 90% of it.

There’s just no perfect job out there. I love the one I have but it is no longer sustainable. This place needs so much help to get on track I can’t even begin to start. I wonder if I hang on until the marketing person and Hirebridge are in place– will that help? But I’ll be facing the same ridiculous pressure… Steve was told his job would change and it didn’t happen, so no reason to think it will happen to us.


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