Monthly Archives: August 2011

Still Anxious

I can’t figure it out– I still get anxious when work comes up. I really want to just let this go and go back to the carefree feelings I had just a few months ago. Its making me tired and sad.

I guess, again, what it comes down to is that I need a hobby. I need to just sign up for some silly lessons or classes or something–meet some new people, get out of the house after work. I definitely need to work out more, but I am so lazy, and that doesn’t really help in terms of the friendship factor. At this point I feel like I only have one true friend, and the rest of my besties all live in another city. Even Geneva would rather hang out with so many other people besides me– we just get a HH every couple of months to catch up and then dont see each other again for a while. April is such a good friend, but I can’t put everything on her.

I just feel like I have hit a wall with work and I am not inspired to do anything any more. I wonder if it is as apparent to everyone else. I feel like I’m flying solo. I just need to really get an attitude adjustment and work on myself. I want to be happy. I love my husband, I love my dogs, I love my house and my new AC. I just dont love my life. I see all this growth and creativity around me in this city, through my FB friends, and I just feel stuck. It doesn’t help that I am married to the most in the rut person I’ve ever known in my entire life. He doesn’t like to travel and only has one goal in life– start an 80’s cover band. He has all the equipment and instruments and knows tons of musicians. but yet, where is the band?

Piano lessons might be the way to go here, for real.

It would give Steve and I a way to connect. It would give me something I could do at home at night.

It feels so selfish to have this attitued, but lately everything is scaring me. I just feel too old to do anything and I am terrified that I am going to work here until I die. Life is too short! I am ready to quit and live the life of the bohemian artist or writer or musician that I was meant to be. The thought of dying utterly scares me, more and more and more. I need to have some time to write. Maybe I need to drop out of work with the ambition of writing a book. But before I do that I need a plot and an outline and a character or two.

I waste so much time. But the anxiety from work literally wears me out. I have never been a negative person. Always very optimistic, not depressed. But now I feel like there is something really wrong with me. I’m so scared of whatever– cancer, etc, and I just need to stop worrying and embrace life more. The only way to fix the fear is to fill my days with stuff I enjoy, not stupid office politics and the burden of more and more work. I want a part time job that allows me to work independently but still serve people.

The thing is is that I ruminate on the pain. Even when I’m laughing, my mind will just go back to the source of the hurt and stress, and it sits on my brain like a spider, with the legs like tentacles stuck in to the crevices of my head. I want to let it go and totally forget about it. I want to be above the fray and produce good work. I really just want to change my life completely around and do something else that makes me happy and allows us to live like we are now. Where’s our get rich quick scheme? Where’s the thing that is going to solve my life. I am ready to move out to the woods and have a cabin and just play with animals all day and look at the view and make food. I want to live in the mountains.

The anxiety fades and then comes back. I just dont know how to get rid of it other than pop a valium every day. I just want to be done with it. I want a whole new path. I want a new drug! Pot doesn’t work if you have any nervousness or anything–it just magnifies it. I want to leave this crap behind and just fucking enjoy my life and everything. I am totally willing to be a poor hippie again, really.

I am sick of wallowing in this depression and anxiety. I so want to figure out what makes me happy and do it. I have let my whole life disappear and I am in a rut.It takes guts to get out of the ruts. Its so selfish to just hold on to this pain and continue to nurture it. I want to let it go and be free. I want to figure out what I like to do– even just little things. I like to go to movies. I like to travel. I like to go to new restaurants. i like to go to thrift stores and antique stores. I like to write. I like to cook-sort of. I like to throw parties. I like to dance.